I am so fucking tired. 

One of my classmates message that they might take a leave from our program due to exhaustion. The reading is heavily theoretical  right now, dense, it cracks your teeth when you bite into it. I should read for at least 3 hours today, go to Costco, get the mail, brush my teeth. When was the last time that I brushed my teeth? Did I brush them yesterday? 

My son’s school was put on lockdown yesterday. The threat was investigated and labeled “prank”, but I kept the kids home today. The list gets longer; 

Make breakfast, keep the kids busy, read, get groceries, figure out why the corporate visa isn’t balancing, finish laundry, try to come up with dinner ideas while at the same time come up with research topics. It’s paper writing time again. 

Chicken wraps with a side of hermeneutics? Steak and Jungian arts based research? My neck hurts. The shapeshifting between artist/scholar and mother/housewife gives me whiplash. 

I’m not one of those people who glorify being busy. I think those people suck. But I am overwhelmed and it helps to talk about it.

“Well you chose this”, they say.

Yeah, I did. Does that mean I’m not allowed to talk about how challenging it is?

I’m not asking for a pity party. I want this, AND it’s hard.

I have to cut back, cut something out, narrow my focus. But what? Everything in my life right now is so precious. Sometimes there is nothing more you can cut loose. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and bear it. Like labour. Maybe I’m birthing something. 

I had a dream I met with a medicine man. He sat me down and told me to breathe deeply. He asked me in my mind’s eye “do you feel split?”  I answered aloud, “yes”. Then he stood up and told me to go eat, drink some milk, and take a bath. Nourish, nurture, and cleanse. But when was the last time I brushed my teeth?